I tried really hard to ignore the feelings. I thought, "We did this last summer. This round should be easy, right?" But as we neared the 3-month mark of being in Washington, the feelings only intensified. By this time last summer, I would have been back home. But I'm not home, and I'm not moving back home.... for a LONG LONG time.... Can I tell you how even admitting that right now makes me want to bawl?
Homesickness is the distress or impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from the specific home environment or attachment objects. The Oxford English Dictionary describes homesickness as a feeling one has when missing home. Feelings of longing are often accompanied by anxiety and depression. These symptoms may range from mild to severe.
There's wikipedia's description for you. And that's how I feel. I have incredible, dramatic swings from excited-to-be-in-Washington days to we-have-to-move-back-or-I-will-die days. Unfortunately I'm lingering on the have-to-move back days.
To my WA friends: I LOVE you. LOVE LOVE LOVE you. If it weren't for you, then I wouldn't be surviving AT ALL. Thank you for saving me. You have been the BEST friends ever. Ever ever ever. Thank you for being my WA family. Because really, I consider you family.
About a week ago though (or two, I can't remember), I had my absolute meltdown. Like fetal position on the armchair, bawling my eyes out meltdown. Up to this point, the thought of flying alone has absolutely terrified me. The trip here was traumatic and I didn't want to repeat it. Ever. Again. I even missed my mom's 50th, I was so traumatized. But as I sat there bawling that night, I suddenly found it in me to conquer flying with two babes again. I sat up, searched flights, and asked Jesse for his credit card. When he asked what I needed it for, I told him I was going home. He didn't even blink. Just handed me the card and I bought my tickets.
I'm coming HOME.
This is where Jesse gets upset with me because Home should be where my family is, and my family is now here.
Some of you don't quite understand. My dad is HILARIOUS. My mom has been my best friend since junior high. My siblings are BRILLIANT. My family is THE BEST. I LOVE being with my family. Maybe they don't see that, or believe me, but they are truly the best. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? My fam definitely has their quirks, but every family does. But I truly do love spending my time with my family.
I'm looking forward to sitting my parent's kitchen table. I want to eat a hamburger from my dad's grill. I want to drive the streets of Utah. I want to laugh with my family. I want to watch Sam walk! I want to be there for the baseball game on Memorial Day weekend. I want to see my grandparents and my aunts and uncles and cousins... all those wonderful family members of mine. I want to see my family laugh at Abigail's incredible antics. I want them to see Claire's humorous facial expressions and hear her squawk. I want to feel comfortable in my environment again. I want to eat at CAFE RIO or even go to a blasted Dollar Tree.
I know one day I'll get over this, but you can't expect me to now. I spent close to 25 years of my life right next door to family. It's going to take some major adjusting. I'll get there, but in the meantime I get to vent. :)
And no one is allowed to say "Sorry you feel that way." I already feel like a wimp. This is just part of life! Y'all have hard things too. You're just not as public about it.
Some of you don't quite understand. My dad is HILARIOUS. My mom has been my best friend since junior high. My siblings are BRILLIANT. My family is THE BEST. I LOVE being with my family. Maybe they don't see that, or believe me, but they are truly the best. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? My fam definitely has their quirks, but every family does. But I truly do love spending my time with my family.
I'm looking forward to sitting my parent's kitchen table. I want to eat a hamburger from my dad's grill. I want to drive the streets of Utah. I want to laugh with my family. I want to watch Sam walk! I want to be there for the baseball game on Memorial Day weekend. I want to see my grandparents and my aunts and uncles and cousins... all those wonderful family members of mine. I want to see my family laugh at Abigail's incredible antics. I want them to see Claire's humorous facial expressions and hear her squawk. I want to feel comfortable in my environment again. I want to eat at CAFE RIO or even go to a blasted Dollar Tree.
I know one day I'll get over this, but you can't expect me to now. I spent close to 25 years of my life right next door to family. It's going to take some major adjusting. I'll get there, but in the meantime I get to vent. :)
And no one is allowed to say "Sorry you feel that way." I already feel like a wimp. This is just part of life! Y'all have hard things too. You're just not as public about it.
2 comments:
Don't feel bad about being homesick. I long for the days when we will be done with school and finally get away from Provo, but I am sure going to miss the family I have around here. It really won't be the same. I am so glad you get to come home! I hope you enjoy every minute of it. I know you'll be really busy with family so we don't expect to see you but if you ever are around with time to spare let us know! We sure miss you guys!
I hope your visit home has been everything you hoped it would be cause we have loved every minute with you and the girls. I'm thinking your cur-sed Utah allergies might be a blessing in disguise cause they make you so miserable here you might actually want to go back to Washington. I love, love, love you.
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