A post for me

Feel free to read, or not read, this post. It's purely for myself. I needed to record it, but I don't want to take the time to write it by hand in my journal. Technology has made me lazy. ;)

Tonight I was preparing my lesson for Young Women's tomorrow. The lesson is on Personal Record keeping. I had a great time pulling out old books, journals, letters, baby calendars, etc. It was a riot to read past journal entries, Jesse's letters from his mission, and to look at my grandmother's book. 

And then I opened up my old red journal. I only have two journals I've ever filled. My red one. And my white one.

I started my red journal on a Saturday in December 1993. It didn't occur to me back then to specify which Saturday. It just says Saturday. I have wonderful entries about my "favrite" things and how Sarah is first best, Stephen is second best, and Seth is last best. I was shocked when I hit April 1994 though, and in smudged pencil are the blaring words "Most kids don't like me." Underneath is a relatively updated sidenote:
"Lauren at 12 years old: Here is the reason people STILL don't like me: I am a negative freak who everyone hates. Completely."
In November 1994, it reads, "I don't have any freinds now because their mean to me."
January 1995, "I don't have many friends now. I used to have lots."
Unfortunately the pattern continues through the rest of the book... and into my white journal.

It totally broke my heart to read those entries. I've never been "diagnosed" with depression, but I've known for years that it's my constant demon. It just shattered my heart to read that when I was merely seven years old, I was already being attacked by it.

Since I was seven years old, the synapses in my brain have told me that I cannot be loved. That I am nothing of worth or value to myself or others. People are not genuinely interested in me. I have struggled my whole life to make and keep friendships because my brain cannot comprehend that friends are real, that friends really care and love.
I can't tell you how many friendships from high school and college that I regret letting fall apart. I would find a wonderful person. Someone I loved. And then the demons would come in. My mind would fill with doubt and awful self-criticism and that friend would be gone.

I still do this. I have days where my I still can't believe that Jesse chose to be married to me. To ME. Or that I have sweet girls to have play dates and girls nights with. It is absolutely shocking and novel to my mind that these people might actually care about ME. Silly, right?

The point of this post was not to focus on the bad. I promise. I merely was helping myself recognize that the crazy existed long before I realized. But I cannot let the crazy win.

So tonight, I am proud of myself.
I have three hilarious and happy children.
I am beautiful.
I love that I can play the piano.
I am learning to study again. To teach myself new things.
I love that I painted furniture. I can't wait to do more.
I love that I'm learning to take pictures of my children.
I enjoy silly science fiction and fantasy novels like Divergent, Hunger Games, The Infernal Devices, Uglies, etc.
I weigh less than I did in high school.
I am loud, and awesomely dramatic at times.
I come from an incredibly smart and amazing family.
I LOVE my extended family. Sometimes I wish we were all small in grandpa's buggy again.
I have had incredibly spiritual personal experiences--the kind I just can't share but that have solidified my knowledge that the gospel is true.
I am married to the most caring, loving, and forgiving person in the world. 


I need to be proud of myself. Not in a boastful way--but in an I'm awesome and need to realize it--sort of way. Too often we're ashamed to be proud of ourselves because it seems or sounds like arrogance. Well that the silliest thing ever. Heavenly Father wants us to be proud of ourselves. We should never feel the need to apologize for ourselves or undermine something we are or have done. Maybe I'm the only one who does this.

Tonight, I like myself. It is definitely a step in the right direction towards loving myself.  I only wish my seven-year-old self had known how cool I was.

On the first warm day in May

We had an incredible first warm day in May. Seriously, incredible. We played outside in the sandbox all morning and then played on the swings. In between there, we sat on our picnic blanket drinking cherry slurpees and just soaking up the sun. It felt AMAZING... We took our dinner outside too. I just couldn't help it! I didn't want to be inside EVER! After dinner, I asked Jesse to help me move the couch outside for some pictures. He didn't even hesitate. Love my husband. :) So we took some pictures fast of the girls. We tried so hard to get Ben in there. My goal was to get a picture of the three kids together... but Ben would not have it. He was so upset. We'll try again later. So this is what we got last night! It was way fun. Abby told me we could take pictures all of the time if I'd just bring out the couch more often. Hahaha... 

This one (above) is my favorite. My calm collected husband... and my three crazy children. It's a pretty good picture of what life is always like at our home. He's always the level-headed anchor, and the rest of us are running about yelling, screaming, making messes, etc.

Oh Ben! You can smile! Thanks cute boy. :)

Happy birthday Claire!

We had a birthday, shout HOORAY!

Our big girl turned TWO on Saturday! Woot woot!

And we had a wonderfully exhausting day. So, just in case you forgot the many faces of Claire, here you go!

Claire LOVED opening her presents! She squealed "Oh my goodness! What is it?" through the whole present opening process. Her favorite present was an Elmo Potty book and Elmo underwear. She's been wearing the underwear over her pants. Guess we'd better start the potty training!

Curious George has been her constant companion since she opened him. He's the first toy Claire has insisted sleep in her bed. She also received a Rapunzel doll from me, but she could care less about it. Her 5-year-old sister was more than happy to adopt her though.

After breakfast, we went to the indoor play area at Bellevue Square. We haven't been in forever and I knew Claire would love it. And she totally did. We picked up McDonalds for lunch and then went up to the play area to let Abby and Claire go crazy.

Abigail helped me make the cake during Claire's nap. We made a yellow cake with white frosting! We had a good time making it, didn't we Abby? Our family has the tradition to put toy figurines on top as a decoration. This year's toys were a set of Tinkerbell fairies. I think there's a picture in here somewhere...

When Claire woke up, we had balloons, streamers, paper lanterns, and bright pink presents out to decorate the kitchen. I could hear the girls at 6:30a.m. squealing with delight. Abby yelled, "Claire, it's your birthday!" Claire responded, "it's my birthday!" And then she came running into my room. "Mom, it's my birthday! Come see! Get up! Come see!" It melted my heart a little.

Claire and her BFF

So, while Claire and Ben napped, the plan was for Jesse to go get a bbq grill from Home Depot. We bought hamburgers and hot dogs and were totally prepared to have an awesome night on the grill. Well, Home Depot ruined our plans. Their forklift was broken so they couldn't get the grill down. I was totally annoyed. Fortunately, Brilliantly Creative friend texted me just minutes after the bad news asking if we wanted to bbq that night. HECK YES we did! So we hauled all our bbq goods and Claire's cake down to her house to finish off the wonderful birthday evening. They had just put up their new swing set that day too so the kids were in HEAVEN. It was awesome. :)

I am so uber jealous of the fort. And the kids LOVED it! Abby and J were having a blast.

Happy birthday, Claire!! We love you!

She had to have a little help from her sister. Good thing big sisters are so helpful.

CAKE.

Claire's dream come true: swings....

Proof that I was there. I promise. And Benny. Jesse was there too... but he managed to escape the camera...

We absolutely love our Bear. She's every bit as hilarious as Abby and so very bright. She really does talk so well. The other day I found her doing dialogue for her toys for the first time. Melted my heart. I love Claire's pudgy soft baby skin. I love that she will cuddle with me after her naps. I love that she gives me hugs. I love to hear her count to twenty. I love to hear her play with Abigail. I love her millions of silly faces. I love her obsession with balloons. I love her little voice. I love that she's two.