I haven't actually wanted to label this new problem as "infertility", but what else do I call it? The "can't get pregnant" syndrome? I don't know. Jesse and I have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now. I thought it would happen quickly because we got pregnant with Abigail so fast... but that hasn't been the case. I was confused with the first month of negative tests, slightly depressed the second round, numb the third round, in the depths of the despair the fourth month... and then it has cycled through since then. Actually, to be fair, we can throw in a miscarriage before the fourth month. That one almost gave me hope. I apologize to anyone who has announced to me that you're pregnant and I only gave you a half-smile, or if you've talked to me about it and I seem less than interested. I really am truly excited for you. It's just that my heart is breaking at the same time because I want so badly to be in your shoes. After crying for 1 1/2 days, I finally called a doctor today to schedule an appointment. Hoorah. When I was finished crying today, I looked upward and said, "Heavenly Father, I know my trials are nothing compared to what some of my friends are going through... but why did you have to make me such an emotional person that it FEELS like the worst thing in the world?" He just chuckled and said, "I made you that way. So that when you're happy, everyone really knows it. The downside is that when you're sad or upset, everyone knows it." I think He was trying to help me understand that I need to work harder on always being happy. Sorry to the world for seeing me when I'm upset. ;) And thank you to my two girlfriends that have unknowingly been amazing examples to me during this time. I'll tell you who you are later, if you don't already know. I love you dearly. I don't know why I felt the need to post this. I think it's just been going through my head for so long now that I just had to write it down somewhere.
Love to all.
9 comments:
Oh Lauren, I'm sorry I had no idea. Infertility is something that is so personal, but it's SO nice when you let people know what you're going through because people are understanding and you can find so much support from others. Especially those who have also had those countless days crying on the bathroom floor because of another negative test or a period coming. I feel for ya. Don't think that your trial isn't as hard as someone else's. It's your trial and it IS hard! Let me know if you need anything, we really need to get together. Sorry that life has been so hectic! K, this is getting WAY too long, I'll call you later.
hey, maybe it's the fulfillment of Jesse's partriarchal blessing. :) I LOVE YOU!! be happy.
I totally know how you feel- and it's the worst. I know that nothing anyone says will help.. but I admire you and will pray for you! Love ya!
Lauren I am so proud of you for calling to set up an appointment to talk about this, that was a big step. I pray that you will find the answers you need. It seems so unfair that someone can have one child no problem and you feel like "great, everything works", but this is so common for so many other women too. You have tons of people that love you. Know that HF will take care of you and knows your righteous desire to be a celestial mother and take care of His children.
I am so so sorry that you are going through this. Infertility has thrown the widest range of emotions at me that I have ever felt in my life. Even the most even-tempered people I have met freak out when they are going through this waiting time! Like Kira said, the feelings it brings are so personal and vary from person to person, but just know that if you want to talk you can always give me a call. My sister had gone through the same thing, and it was always so nice to have one person who could sort of relate. I hope things work out QUICKLY for you guys, and I hope your dr. is awesome! Love you.
Lauren, I don't even have the slightest idea how that would feel, but I can only imagine that it would be completely devestating and something that never leaves your mind. But you are so amazing, you are such a good mom to Abby and just such a happy person. You are such an example of happiness to me, you radiate that happiness to those around you, and help them to be happy too. Seriously though, if you need anything let me know. Hope things go well at the doctor. Love ya! Can't wait for movie night tonight!!!
Lauren I love you!! I'll see you at girls night tonight! Apparently you need it the most. Yay for Jane Austen and friends!
Oh Lauren, that is so hard. We are praying for you. I wish I could help! But I do love you and I think you're a fantastic person.
Hey Laur - I had no idea you guys were trying. I'm sorry that you're having a rough time :( We'll definitely pray for you and hope that soon another little Larsen will soon join our family! Love you tons.
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